personal

In which I talk about my sexuality and pathetic love life, but most of all I ramble a lot.

Okay. There is something I need to get off my chest. This is not something I normally talk about on my blog, but I have been thinking about it for a while and it has bothered me so much. And I don’t even know why because it’s just something in my head with which I’m struggling, it’s not like the outside world is talking about this.

Anyway. Here comes the drama. (and the rambling, lots and lots of rambling)

As you might, or might not know (probably the latter) I consider myself an asexual. I don’t know what type and I didn’t really look up all the different terms and all but well. I just have no interest in a romantic (or sexual) relationship whatsoever. At this moment in my life, there is this small part of my that’s whispering in the background “don’t you want to know what it’s like?” and there’s a large part yelling “I am fine on my own.”

Because that’s the thing, I don’t want somebody to come in my life, mess up everything I’ve build for myself and to be honest, I like being on my own. Yeah controversial I know.

The thing is, the whole freaking world world is build upon this idea that in order to be happy you need to have someone by your side. Well I don’t. And nobody actually knows that I am asexual, and I don’t think that half the people I know actually do know it’s a thing, and I don’t feel like explaining it to anyone. Because I am still figuring out my life, who I am and what I want in life.

Confession: I am 20 years old, and I have never kissed a boy (or a girl, for that matter). Shocking, I know. And the fact that it is shocking is just what is annoying me so much. I don’t tell people this, like, ever, simply because in a world where teens get pregnant and people in their twenties get married, this is considered weird. No, I’m not ugly or weird (okay just a little maybe), I just never fell in love. Ever. I had a boyfriend once, with whom I broke up because it crushed me that he loved me and I didn’t really love him. And then I crushed his heart and that was one of the most horrible things I’ve ever done. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning I missed him, as a friend, but not as a lover. He was a great friend, one of the best I’ve ever had, and it still bothers me that the fact that he fell in love has ruined that friendship forever.

Every time I see this old friend from high school, at some point the conversation is about love. She has fallen in love so many times, had more boyfriends than I can remember, and always asks me if there’s someone in my life. Someone I have a crush on or maybe was dating. Every time my answer is no, and every time she stares at me disbelievingly, because she doesn’t understand. I literally have to reassure her multiple times that there is no-one. And that is so freaking annoying. I promised her that if there ever were a person, she would be the first to know (if that’s ever going to happen. not.)

The only (other) boy I had a crush on, well, I thought I had a crush on, was in love with someone else and that really opened my eyes. I didn’t have a crush on him, I didn’t feel the things you’re supposed to feel when you’re in love. It was more like a mild curiosity mixed with “he looks cute” and “we kinda have the same interests”.

I know there are people that fell in love with me, or at least had a crush on me, but I never was interested in them. Funny story, one time a classmate of mine wanted to get me and this guy from school together. I remember this so clearly, she came up to me at the lockers in school and she said something like “What do you think of [guy’s name]? I think you two would make a cute couple, you both are short and you like [a certain sport]!” (which are of course really good reasons for us to get together, this is me being sarcastic btw). I just stared at her blankly, my face turning red, and said “Uhm, no thanks.” Of course I had absolutely no idea the guy actually was into me and this might have been his doing, I only found out years later.

When I look into the future, I see a large blank slate where everything is possible. I don’t dream of a house with a picket white fence, a husband, a dog and 2.5 kids. You know, the “perfect” life. Right now, I don’t even have time in my life for a person, I’ve got my blog, my books, my study, my friends, and family, I’ve got a lot of people and those are enough for now. Who knows, maybe in 5 years I’ll fall in love (well that’s going to be weird), maybe I’ll never fall in love.

Okay this is sort of the ending of my ramble about my life. But don’t go feel sorry for me or judge based on this. I am absolutely 100% fine on my own. I don’t need a guy’s (or girl’s) shoulder to cry on. I don’t need someone in life to feel happy.

Which bring me to the next point. I would make a horrible protagonist for a book. I don’t know about you, but I have almost never read a book where the main character doesn’t fall in love. Every single happily ever after ends with two people getting together. Even within the LGBTQIA scope of books the A is missing!! It’s so annoying! There is no character I’ve been able to connect with on this topic. The only characters that might come close are Sherlock, who is technically speaking not really asexual I think (he totally falls for Irene Adler, he’d be more aromantic), and Aled from Radio Silence, who is demisexual (only attracted to people he knows really well).

So here is my request to you, do you know a book, preferably YA, with a main character who is asexual? Not just “I think they might be because there’s no love in the book”, but a character who knows (or finds out) that they are asexual and just idk figures out how to live or something. I JUST. This is so frustrating. I just need to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I need to know that I’m not weird or anything.

The end. (It’s also midnight, which means I can run away from the ball and loose my shoe)

Good night world. I am going to hide in a book.

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27 thoughts on “In which I talk about my sexuality and pathetic love life, but most of all I ramble a lot.

  1. I identify as asexual as well, but I am interested in the whole romance and sex thing. But I get what you mean. I’ve never been in a relationship ever, but I’ve had crushes (reciprocation is either questionable or I never actually find out), and I only tell people I fully trust and understands the whole LGBTQ thing that I’m ace because otherwise it’s too much explaining and there will be questions that I don’t really want to answer.

    You’re not weird for not wanting a relationship–even if it’s temporarily or never at all. I have friends who are frankly uninterested in pursuing a romantic/sexual relationship. It happens and you’re perfectly valid just the way you are.

    And idk if you read the Archie Comics, but there’s a character in it that is canonically asexual called Jughead. I don’t read it, but it’s so cool to see someone who’s ace in a popular comic series.

    Hope you have a great day! ☺️

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your comment! I’m happy I’m not the only one, it feels like it sometimes because it’s not something people talk about. I don’t think I’ll tell people, unless I’m at a point where I’m really comfortable talking about it. I don’t think that my friends are as emerged into the internet that they know what all the terms mean so explaining will be difficult.
      I never read comics, so I’d have to look that up, but thank you for your recommendation . Have a great day as well! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  2. I know how you feel about being perfectly content alone. After I broke up with my ex, I was completely content to be by myself, and that lasted for nearly 10 years. I did eventually fall in love, but I didn’t *need* anyone else in that time. And I’m not saying this to say that “someday you’ll fall in love and have someone” because that’s not the point. The point is that it’s perfectly acceptable and normal to be happy by yourself.

    There’s been more than a few times when I’ve said that an HEA can be a character by themselves, as long as they’re happy with themselves and their life. Happily-Ever-After doesn’t say anything about a partner anywhere in there. And some stories would be better for the romance to not have been a part of it at all.

    I’ve not read any personally, but now I’m interested enough to go searching! I found this link with some promising book suggestions: http://www.tor.com/2016/04/11/asexual-ace-characters-in-science-fiction-and-fantasy/

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for the comment! I’m happy you understand the way I feel. Sometimes I feel like the world is pushing everyone to be with someone, like you’re not good enough on your own. I’m happy to know that I’m not the only one who’s happy on their own.
      I agree on the Happily Ever After thing, I love stories in which the character comes to love themselves and their life, it just is that most of those stories also involve love.
      Thanks for the link! I will definitely check some of those books out 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  3. LIA I AM SO FRICKING PROUD OF YOU AND THIS POST *gives massive hugs*
    I’m not ace myself, but I’ve also noticed that most books have pairing off of characters, even LGBT :/ That’s why my protag of When We Meet Again is asexual and acknowledges it, knowing she doesn’t want a romance (although I don’t think I put that in the post about it/ma other novel *headdesks*) I actually have no rec’s for ace books, unfortunately, because they just don’t seem to exist. And that’s so problematic! We need more books that cover the whole LGBTQIAP spectrum. I’ve never read books about pansexual characters, either. I think there has almost been too much focus on the LGBT part of the spectrum and people almost forget entirely that there are more sexualities past that point. 😦 Anyway, to wrap things up, AWESOME post and I am vvv proud of you ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you soo much *hugs you tightly* ❤
      Ahh your protag is ace :D:D that's awesome! I would love to read that 😉
      Ace books are very hard to find, sadly, and pansexual too, I've never read any book about them. I really think it's important that there are books about LGBT people, but they shouldn't forget that there's more than that.
      Thanks so much ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh crap I forgot to put in that I obviously support LGBT books too! They are so. damn. important. But like I said, there are more sexualities beyond that and we need to focus on that as well! Next year I think Simon&Schulster are publishing their first book with an ace protagonist and apparently it’s the first book in mainstream media with an ace protag. And that makes me sad! Obviously it;s good that the book’s being released, but we need moooore ace protagonists!
        *hugs much tighter* love you Lia! and yassss I will definitely be getting you to read my book at some point. Happy holidays, by the way! May your Christmas be joyful!

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I agree with you completely! I will definitely keep my eye out for that book by Simon&Schulster! I know there are some books out there, but they’re not really well-known, which makes me sad 😦
        Love you too ❤ Have a wonderful day and Christmas! And don't let your family ruin your Christmas okay?

        Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m 18 years old and I haven’t kissed anyone yet either, it’s something that I feel I don’t mention much to anyone because it feels like others would judge me for it. I have been attracted to several guys in my life, but being in school and trying to date someone at the same time never felt like the best of ideas though I did imagine what it might be like, but I often think I was more in love with the idea of being with someone than actually experiencing it. Reading this post I feel like I have discovered that I am more like your friend who is Demisexual which actually feels like it describes how I come to like/love someone. Which I always felt was some sort of defective part of me because I never automatically looked at someone and was attracted to them. I feel like I have to get to know and really connect with them as a person. Thank you for sharing this lovely post. I wish people were more understanding with the fact that it’s ok to be on your own and that you can be happy that way. I wish there was more representation of asexuality in literature as well as demisexuality because I think that the more people read and understand the more people will be accepting of each other’s differences.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. People judge so easily, and I hate that! I think that if you say something like “I’ve never been kissed” that they’ll feel sorry for you, but that’s not what I’m looking for. I’m okay with it, but because the rest of the world isn’t, it’s still to awkward to talk about.
      “I often think I was more in love with the idea of being with someone than actually experiencing it” THIS. Really that is exactly how I felt years ago with my ex. I’m so happy you discovered your sexuality! It feels good to know that you’re not the only one out here that feels the way you do, so thank you so much for your comment!

      Liked by 2 people

  5. i sadly don’t have any recommendations but just reading this and especially your comment “i would be a horrible book character” makes me want to be like “CHALLENGE ACCEPTED” and write a book with an asexual character. but i’m so happy you’re starting to feel a little more comfortable with your sexuality, at least to the point where you can talk about it on here 🙂 i have all of the support for you since i have all of the support for basically every blogger ever who is in this situation, since i’ve gone through a similar one. i’m always here if you want to talk, even though we don’t talk often 🙂 xxx

    Liked by 2 people

    1. I would love to read your book if you ever decide to write it 🙂 Thank you so much for all the support! I’ll definitely get in touch if I want to talk. Thank you<3

      Liked by 2 people

  6. You have a point! Even I’ve never come across a book that might have an ace MC or even side character for that matter. An ace character would be so cool! The world needs to change their ideals of Happily Ever After.
    Even I think I’d be a horrible protagonist, by the way.

    We don’t need a partner to validate ourselves. Heck, we don’t even need a validation!

    I’m not ace but I can see where you’re coming from and you are so brave for sharing this.
    Thanks so much for sharing. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yess exactly, I think it’s so important that people know that there are more ways in which you can get a Happily Ever After and that you don’t need a lover to be complete! So more ace characters would be amazing 😀
      Hell yeah, we don’t need anyone to validate us! Thank you so much for your comment! 🙂

      Liked by 2 people

  7. It’s so brave to go out and say this when you’ve never told anyone before, it really is. And no, you aren’t weird and being okay with being by yourself is showing one thing: you’re strong and independent.
    I don’t identify as asexual myself, but you aren’t alone, and so many people feel like this and bottle it up and tell themselves that they’re weird when they’re not. And by doing this you are going to help loads of people by giving them the confidence to share what they identify as.
    I admire you so, so, so much for writing this, it’s got me right in the emotions and I think I may cry!
    *Sends virtual hug*

    Liked by 2 people

  8. It is so brave of you to put this online! That is already something you can be proud of and thank you for sharing this bit of vulnerable information.
    I don’t identify as asexual myself. But share the less experience in romance. And all the friends who are getting in and out of relationships. I’m almost 22 and I have only kissed a guy (not with the tongue). And the overload of romance in books really annoy me, I have yet to find the perfect book without a romance in it.
    I don’t know any books with asexual characters, but if I come across one, I’ll let you know.
    And it isn’t something you should be ashamed of. You are perfect just the way you are.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! ❤ I'm really happy I wrote this last night, because it feels like the pressure is gone now 🙂
      the overload of romance is starting to annoy me too! I really like it most of the time, but lately it has been annoying me. Especially when characters fall head over heels in love and are so clingy and ugh, I can't stand that sometimes. There should be books with less romance in it!
      Aww thanks ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  9. So strong of you share this! You’re definitely not alone in the “haven’t had a first kiss” category. I’m 17 and I firmly place myself in the ‘forever alone’ category. I have a friend just like yours who has dated so many guys that I’ve lost count and when she asks me if I’m dating anyone, I honestly feel so embarrassed to tell her that I don’t have anyone interested in me. I have had a lot of crushes before but they never like me back.

    Talking about my love life (or lack thereof) is something that I’m trying not to be ashamed of. I tell myself that I’m good enough and even though I know that no-one has ever had a crush on me (or been attracted to me), I think it’s okay. I’m alone, but not lonely. I think we place so much emphasis on romantic relationships that we forget the value of other relationships in our lives. The relationships we have with our family and our friends is just as (if not more) important than romantic ones. Society pressurises us to be in relationships from such a young age, that I don’t want to be in one anymore. I would happily wait for a genuine person to come along or if they don’t I’m happy by myself.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I’m happy I’m not the only person who feels this way. Those conversations are so awkward! I’m sorry your crushes never liked you back, that must be horrible 😦
      But I agree completely that relationships with friends and family are as important or maybe even more important than love!

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I wish I could help with a book rec! Sadly I can’t think of any. I’m going to have read through the comments and see what other people have come up with. Hats off to you though for sticking to your guns and not letting people pressure you into feeling like you have to want or be in a relationship. I think it must be an amazingly freeing thing to feel complete on your own, and to know you want to stay that way!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah ace books are sadly hard to find. I guess I’ll have to write my own one then 😛
      Thank you so much! It does feel kinda good, but I just never felt like I really needed anyone, so for me it feels normal 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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