Okay. There is something I need to get off my chest. This is not something I normally talk about on my blog, but I have been thinking about it for a while and it has bothered me so much. And I don’t even know why because it’s just something in my head with which I’m struggling, it’s not like the outside world is talking about this.
Anyway. Here comes the drama. (and the rambling, lots and lots of rambling)
As you might, or might not know (probably the latter) I consider myself an asexual. I don’t know what type and I didn’t really look up all the different terms and all but well. I just have no interest in a romantic (or sexual) relationship whatsoever. At this moment in my life, there is this small part of my that’s whispering in the background “don’t you want to know what it’s like?” and there’s a large part yelling “I am fine on my own.”
Because that’s the thing, I don’t want somebody to come in my life, mess up everything I’ve build for myself and to be honest, I like being on my own. Yeah controversial I know.
The thing is, the whole freaking world world is build upon this idea that in order to be happy you need to have someone by your side. Well I don’t. And nobody actually knows that I am asexual, and I don’t think that half the people I know actually do know it’s a thing, and I don’t feel like explaining it to anyone. Because I am still figuring out my life, who I am and what I want in life.
Confession: I am 20 years old, and I have never kissed a boy (or a girl, for that matter). Shocking, I know. And the fact that it is shocking is just what is annoying me so much. I don’t tell people this, like, ever, simply because in a world where teens get pregnant and people in their twenties get married, this is considered weird. No, I’m not ugly or weird (okay just a little maybe), I just never fell in love. Ever. I had a boyfriend once, with whom I broke up because it crushed me that he loved me and I didn’t really love him. And then I crushed his heart and that was one of the most horrible things I’ve ever done. I cried myself to sleep that night. The next morning I missed him, as a friend, but not as a lover. He was a great friend, one of the best I’ve ever had, and it still bothers me that the fact that he fell in love has ruined that friendship forever.
Every time I see this old friend from high school, at some point the conversation is about love. She has fallen in love so many times, had more boyfriends than I can remember, and always asks me if there’s someone in my life. Someone I have a crush on or maybe was dating. Every time my answer is no, and every time she stares at me disbelievingly, because she doesn’t understand. I literally have to reassure her multiple times that there is no-one. And that is so freaking annoying. I promised her that if there ever were a person, she would be the first to know (if that’s ever going to happen. not.)
The only (other) boy I had a crush on, well, I thought I had a crush on, was in love with someone else and that really opened my eyes. I didn’t have a crush on him, I didn’t feel the things you’re supposed to feel when you’re in love. It was more like a mild curiosity mixed with “he looks cute” and “we kinda have the same interests”.
I know there are people that fell in love with me, or at least had a crush on me, but I never was interested in them. Funny story, one time a classmate of mine wanted to get me and this guy from school together. I remember this so clearly, she came up to me at the lockers in school and she said something like “What do you think of [guy’s name]? I think you two would make a cute couple, you both are short and you like [a certain sport]!” (which are of course really good reasons for us to get together, this is me being sarcastic btw). I just stared at her blankly, my face turning red, and said “Uhm, no thanks.” Of course I had absolutely no idea the guy actually was into me and this might have been his doing, I only found out years later.
When I look into the future, I see a large blank slate where everything is possible. I don’t dream of a house with a picket white fence, a husband, a dog and 2.5 kids. You know, the “perfect” life. Right now, I don’t even have time in my life for a person, I’ve got my blog, my books, my study, my friends, and family, I’ve got a lot of people and those are enough for now. Who knows, maybe in 5 years I’ll fall in love (well that’s going to be weird), maybe I’ll never fall in love.
Okay this is sort of the ending of my ramble about my life. But don’t go feel sorry for me or judge based on this. I am absolutely 100% fine on my own. I don’t need a guy’s (or girl’s) shoulder to cry on. I don’t need someone in life to feel happy.
Which bring me to the next point. I would make a horrible protagonist for a book. I don’t know about you, but I have almost never read a book where the main character doesn’t fall in love. Every single happily ever after ends with two people getting together. Even within the LGBTQIA scope of books the A is missing!! It’s so annoying! There is no character I’ve been able to connect with on this topic. The only characters that might come close are Sherlock, who is technically speaking not really asexual I think (he totally falls for Irene Adler, he’d be more aromantic), and Aled from Radio Silence, who is demisexual (only attracted to people he knows really well).
So here is my request to you, do you know a book, preferably YA, with a main character who is asexual? Not just “I think they might be because there’s no love in the book”, but a character who knows (or finds out) that they are asexual and just idk figures out how to live or something. I JUST. This is so frustrating. I just need to know that I’m not the only one who feels this way. I need to know that I’m not weird or anything.
The end. (It’s also midnight, which means I can run away from the ball and loose my shoe)
Good night world. I am going to hide in a book.