Sorry, no Top Ten Tuesday today (I didn’t like the topic and I don’t know many debuts from 2017). Instead, I’m going to talk about something I only just realized. You might have read my last two posts, one of which was about my new year’s resolutions and one with my January TBR, and those are closely related to what this post is about. I want too much and at the same time do to little to achieve it.
I want to learn so much, new languages, new skills, I want to learn things about what I think is interesting, I want to get more art skills, I want to write my own book. I want it all. And at the same time I don’t want anything at all. All of those things are overwhelming me, I want to spent time doing all those things and at the same time I want to not spent time on those things so I can do other things. Like reading, I want to read everything and at the same time nothing. I feel completely overwhelmed by everything I want to do, so I do nothing at all. I have spent all day locked in my room yesterday, watching youtube videos and Friends.
I pressure myself into doing things, and I feel like I am doing them for the wrong reasons. For example, I set my goodreads goal in 2017 to 100 books. Already on the first day of January I was overwhelmed by the amount of books I needed to read. And why do I do this? I don’t know? It’s not like I need to read 100 books in order to feel good about myself. (seriously if I told my friends I read 90 books last year they would be flabbergasted, and probably think I’m crazy).
So that’s what I’m going to do. Crtl+A, Delete. Gone. No more expectations to uphold, no more reasons to force myself to do things. Instead, I’m going to work on myself. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to do any of those things, but it means that I’m not going to consciously be doing these things because it is on my list.
One thing I want to improve, but honestly don’t know how, is to deal with criticism. I avoid people criticizing me, because I can’t deal with it. Every time someone says something to my face, that in any way criticizes the way I do something, I get tears in my eyes and I need to work really hard to keep them in. Even if it is completely grounded, especially if it is completely grounded. I know I’m not good with people and taking pictures of them is not by strong point, but when my father said something about it, I almost ran out of the room crying. I know I need to improve on my driving (and really fast too), but when my driving instructor said something about it, I needed to focus so hard not to crash down and cry.
I know I’m not perfect, and I am okay with that, but for some reason when someone else points that out, I am absolutely not okay with it. I want to achieve everything, and at the same time I want to lock myself in my room in order not face anyone.
When I was young, I’ve been bullied for years, and I think that is when it all started. Something is broken inside me, and glued together. But it’s fragile, and every time someone taps it, it breaks a little. And then I glue it back together, but it’s still not fixed. On the surface I am okay, and I feel good about myself, but somehow that feeling didn’t go through completely and I’m still insecure. Maybe I do all these things, set all these goals, want to achieve all these things to prove something to myself and to all the people around me: that I am a good person, that I deserve their approval. I spent so many years of my youth trying to prove to my classmates that I wasn’t just what they thought I was, but of course all my efforts were wasted. I wasn’t good enough for them, and in those ten years following, I still haven’t completely gotten over that. It has made me who I am, and I don’t know whether that is good or not, because I don’t know how I would have turned out otherwise.
Wow, this did not end up the way I expected it to. It turned from a complain post about resolutions, to a psychological analysis of my sad childhood. Well.. Now I’m just going to lock myself in my room again and watch Friends.
Oh, one note, don’t let this hold you back from criticizing me, I need to learn and get better, and the only way to do that is criticism. Even if it hurts a little, I’ll be happy with it in the end.