personal

The contradictory life of an imperfect perfectionist (or how I realized how broken I actually am)

Sorry, no Top Ten Tuesday today (I didn’t like the topic and I don’t know many debuts from 2017). Instead, I’m going to talk about something I only just realized. You might have read my last two posts, one of which was about my new year’s resolutions and one with my January TBR, and those are closely related to what this post is about. I want too much and at the same time do to little to achieve it.

I want to learn so much, new languages, new skills, I want to learn things about what I think is interesting, I want to get more art skills, I want to write my own book. I want it all. And at the same time I don’t want anything at all. All of those things are overwhelming me, I want to spent time doing all those things and at the same time I want to not spent time on those things so I can do other things. Like reading, I want to read everything and at the same time nothing. I feel completely overwhelmed by everything I want to do, so I do nothing at all. I have spent all day locked in my room yesterday, watching youtube videos and Friends.

I pressure myself into doing things, and I feel like I am doing them for the wrong reasons. For example, I set my goodreads goal in 2017 to 100 books. Already on the first day of January I was overwhelmed by the amount of books I needed to read. And why do I do this? I don’t know? It’s not like I need to read 100 books in order to feel good about myself. (seriously if I told my friends I read 90 books last year they would be flabbergasted, and probably think I’m crazy).

So that’s what I’m going to do. Crtl+A, Delete. Gone. No more expectations to uphold, no more reasons to force myself to do things. Instead, I’m going to work on myself. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to do any of those things, but it means that I’m not going to consciously be doing these things because it is on my list.

One thing I want to improve, but honestly don’t know how, is to deal with criticism. I avoid people criticizing me, because I can’t deal with it. Every time someone says something to my face, that in any way criticizes the way I do something, I get tears in my eyes and I need to work really hard to keep them in. Even if it is completely grounded, especially if it is completely grounded. I know I’m not good with people and taking pictures of them is not by strong point, but when my father said something about it, I almost ran out of the room crying. I know I need to improve on my driving (and really fast too), but when my driving instructor said something about it, I needed to focus so hard not to crash down and cry.

I know I’m not perfect, and I am okay with that, but for some reason when someone else points that out, I am absolutely not okay with it. I want to achieve everything, and at the same time I want to lock myself in my room in order not face anyone.

When I was young, I’ve been bullied for years, and I think that is when it all started. Something is broken inside me, and glued together. But it’s fragile, and every time someone taps it, it breaks a little. And then I glue it back together, but it’s still not fixed. On the surface I am okay, and I feel good about myself, but somehow that feeling didn’t go through completely and I’m still insecure. Maybe I do all these things, set all these goals, want to achieve all these things to prove something to myself and to all the people around me: that I am a good person, that I deserve their approval. I spent so many years of my youth trying to prove to my classmates that I wasn’t just what they thought I was, but of course all my efforts were wasted. I wasn’t good enough for them, and in those ten years following, I still haven’t completely gotten over that. It has made me who I am, and I don’t know whether that is good or not, because I don’t know how I would have turned out otherwise.

Wow, this did not end up the way I expected it to. It turned from a complain post about resolutions, to a psychological analysis of my sad childhood. Well.. Now I’m just going to lock myself in my room again and watch Friends.

Oh, one note, don’t let this hold you back from criticizing me, I need to learn and get better, and the only way to do that is criticism. Even if it hurts a little, I’ll be happy with it in the end.

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27 thoughts on “The contradictory life of an imperfect perfectionist (or how I realized how broken I actually am)

  1. ahh. I feel so relatable to you right now. I mean I have so many things that I want to do and start doing that I’m going crazy sometimes. Overwhelming. But I also feel so bad when I don’t do anything. Yes, I do have some days, where I don’t do anything, just Youtube or etc., but after a couple days I just feel extremely sad for some reason. Criticism is the most hardest thing for me and most importantly I deny it a lot. I feel so weak when someone criticizes me, my eyes just become teary and I can’t do anything about it. Everytime I say that I’m going to be stronger and I will work on that, but it’s not going to well. I’m just a very sensitive person.
    But anyway, I hope that you will feel better. I mean better in your own body and all of that. Just remember that you are not alone here. I’m dealing with the same problem and I know that it’s hard. Really hard.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I hate the days I want to do a lot of things but end up doing nothing at all, and I feel so useless. So I completely get how you feel.
      Yeah, I’m very sensitive too, especially when it comes to criticism… And I hate that, because it makes me feel weak 😦
      Thank you so much! I hope you will feel better too!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. As someone who has been where you are and felt what you feel, I can tell you that you are not alone and that your feelings are valid and important and valued. I have an anxiety disorder, and it really sucks to constantly jump between wanting to do All of the Things but also sleep until one p.m. and then binge watch television because everything is Too Much. (That was me this morning.)

    This is probably going to sound super cheesy, but…I’ve been listening to the audio for ACOMAF for like, the 5th time, and there’s one part in the book where Mor looks Feyre dead in the eye and says that she has been where Feyre is, and she got out – they both did. The quote after that is, “there are good days and hard days for me – even now. Don’t let the hard days win.” I think about that quote every day because even though I got diagnosed with GAD 2 years ago, and I’ve been in therapy and on medication ever since, I still have good days and hard days that color my entire life. I think about this quote on my hard days because not every day is a hard day, and sometimes a good day is only good because I got out of bed and that’s okay. You are going to have days where writing is an effort and crying in bed seems like the only thing you’re good at, but I promise that those days don’t define you, and you are stronger for admitting that you have those days at all. Don’t let your hard days win.

    I’m really proud of you for opening up about this and thinking proactively about how you want to change your perspective about goals and perfection. We’re here for you every step of the way. ❀

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    1. Having anxiety must be awful, I hope that somehow you find a way to feel better and less anxious. I love that quote too, it reminds me of this other quote I love: “Life’s made up from moments, good ones, bad ones, but they’re all worth living.”
      I’ll give you the same advice, don’t give up. Life will get better and if that isn’t tomorrow than maybe the day after that (or the day after that etc).
      Thank you so much, it really means a lot to me. I wish you all the best ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  3. There is something about the reality and honesty of what you share here that makes me believe that you are well on your way to healing the fragile part of you that you feel like you can’t let go of. All my life, even when I was with friends I felt separate. I felt like if I said one thing that was bad, did something that was slightly off from perfection, or what I thought was perfection I would bottle it inside and beat myself up for it over and over. But the thing that helped me to see that I was beginning to let go of that mindset, though it is still there from time to time, is when I would write how I felt about it, in poetry or prose. Slowly over time I wrote less and less about what I thought was wrong with myself and more and more about the positives that I saw in my life.

    In that place where I wanted to be this perfect version of me I would constantly compare myself to others good and bad. As I began to really think about how much I was hurting myself emotionally for wanting to punish myself for not doing something right I realized that I wasn’t helping myself heal. So, not only did I continue to write, but I tried to surround myself with as much positivity as I could. Criticism still hurts, but it has started to become something I can process and roll with as a help instead of a hurt.

    Thank you for this post. So many people feel just as you do and it is so important that things like this are discussed. Much happiness to you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’m happy that you’ve learned to get over the fact that you’re not perfect. I’ve had my mouth shut for so many years in the fear that whatever I might say might make people think I was weird. And that is something I wouldn’t wish to anyone. It’s wonderful that you find a way to deal with it by writing! I feel like just writing a post like this one, made me realize so much about myself and that realization might put me on that road to improvement.
      Thank you for your comment, I wish you all the best! ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Thanks for sharing this, Lia. I know there are a lot of people, including myself, that completely understand your words. How you feel is completely valid and I would even say normal. I think we’re all pretty fragile in some way. It’s up to us to strengthen our nerve and to keep our head high. A good lot of us have a list of things we’d like to accomplish, but the sheer size of the list can be pretty overwhelming. And so, we end up doing nothing. I know I do this all the time. I want a lot of things, but rarely do I work to achieve my goals. And criticism of our inactions and imperfections is a very hard thing to face, but it’s necessary to hear in order for us to better ourselves. It takes time to learn how to deal with judgement, so you’re not alone in feeling like it’s a hurtful practice.

    I think it’s wonderful that you’ve allowed yourself to reflect on your situation and analyze your feelings. I’m glad that you’ve decided not to force yourself to uphold expectations. I think you’ve taken the first step in healing that fragile part of you and I wish you all the best in achieving happiness with yourself and all the things that you’ve done.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! I think it’s a horrible thing we do to ourselves, to try to uphold expectations that are impossible to uphold. That we try to be the best we could be only to end up disappointed and useless.
      Just writing this post has helped me so much, and knowing why I feel the way I feel is such a relief, in a way. I wish you all the best and thanks a lot! ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Thankyou for sharing! Can I just say that I absolutely totally related to everything you just talked about. I’m hard at expressing my feelings and putting them into words. It’s a very strong thing to do. I was never able to express myself in that manner.
    I can relate to wanting to do everything and at the same also not wanting to do anything at all. Even I set goals for myself. I set them every day. But I end up doing nothing. Just obsessing over people and things that don’t even know I exist and finding my happiness in theirs. And I do feel happy. But there’s always this guilt that I wasted time and did nothing productive haunting my mind. I dream of so many things, but I guess it’s easier said than done. I’m so glad that I’m not the only person who feels this way.

    Sometimes I really wonder why we can’t do everything that we want. Why we have to choose. Why we have to work hard on those things, even though I appreciate hard work. Why can’t life be easier.
    But I’ve started working on those now. I just couldn’t stand the guilt and the despair and so I’m trying my best to be inspired and motivated and get out of this cycle of overthinking and caring too much.
    In the words of Dan Howell – “Do what you have to, to be happy.” And so I’m trying my best to be happy and positive.
    I’ve never expressed myself like that! But I guess there was something about this post that was so relatable, that I just had to. Thanks for sharing!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t really know how I wrote this post, I just started writing and somehow ended up word-vomiting this entire piece of text that made me realize so much. Sometimes brainless typing can bring so much insight..
      I guess that we’ll never be able to do all the things we want to do because we always have to compromise. There’s simply not enough time to do everything. I’ve always considered myself an optimist, and I’m usually really positive but in some area’s I’m just not as confident as others. Thank you so much for sharing and opening up!

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I guess the same happened with me here. But I’m glad we got to share and open up our feelings. It’s always better to share than to suffer alone. Hope you’re feeling better now.

        Liked by 1 person

  6. LIAAAA, I am so proud of you for sharing this. It is hard to put your feelings to words and I appreciated what you have done here. And I related to this post. I have an extremely hard time dealing with criticism, even when the person wants the best for me. And I feel bad for feeling like I can’t take criticism and I have been going through a period of hating myself and things in my real life are not helping either. I have been bullied to back in 7th grade the girls in my class were let’s say worse than ‘mean girls.’ And maybe that’s, why I have always tried to live up to people’s expectation do anything to not disappoint them, even if it means pushing myself hard. I have only lately realized that I don’t need to be validated. I am struggling to fight my insecurities but one day I will, and I know you will too. Also. you’re wonderful don’t let anything make you believe otherwise. πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! You’ve actually brought me to tears, I feel exactly the same way, and I think we went through the same horrors. I hate it so much that those 11 year old bullies have no clue how much they actually hurt me. And how their actions still affect me every day. I’m so happy you realized that you don’t need to be validated (I’m still working on it).
      Thank you so much ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  7. This is a wonderful post. I think you are incredibly brave and amazing for sharing this with everyone, and it’s super important for your path to self-acceptance! Trust me, telling someone always makes it better. Just read all the comments! We all support you no matter what, and we are here for you!

    I have the same problems as you. I was bullied growing up too, but now I’m pretty much over it because I try to focus on the good things in my life. Also, try to set realistic goals! Who cares if you don’t read 100 books? Plus, if you set a goal that doesn’t stress you out so much, like I don’t know, 70 or 80, reaching a higher goal will feel easier (I don’t know why, but it’s like that haha).

    Just remember we’re here for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much! Thanks for the support ❀
      Yeah I set my reading goal to 1, so I guess I'm going to reach that πŸ˜› Reading is supposed to be my way of de-stressing, and setting a goal is ruining that. Thanks again!

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Thank you for sharing your story! Maybe you could try to change your view om criticism. See it as something you can learn from instead of seeing/feeling like it’s something negative. I know it’s difficult, especially with your past. But talking about it, or in your case writing about it, is a wonderful first step. And great job for choosing to live for yourself instead of the expectations of someone else. I wish you lots of positivity and strength!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The problem with criticism isn’t that I see it as something negative. I think the problem is that it is usually something I know for myself that I need to work on or something I’m not good at, but if then someone says something about it, it makes me feel as if I should have done something to fix it. That I’m unable to match up to their expectations, and the fact that I knew that, but didn’t work on it. I don’t know. Thanks a lot! Sending you positivity and strength too! ❀

      Like

  9. I completely understand the idea of putting pressure on yourself to achieve these hundreds of goals you set for yourself – especially in the bookish community, which for the vast majority of the time is a wonderful community, when you’re surrounded by people constantly making reading goals and saying that if they haven’t met them then they’ve not done enough it’s difficult to validate your own achievements. But that’s something I’m also doing this year – trying to validate all of my achievements, no matter the size. I hope things get better for you, I really, really do! ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Oh yes! I understand exactly what you’re talking about. I love the bookish community but some people just makes you want to give up trying, because some things are just so impossible to achieve. Thanks a lot! Good luck on your validation-goal ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  10. I think you already made a big step forward by seeing points of “criticism” and wanting to change them. It is so brave to put them out here and I really admire that. I don’t like being criticised as well, I feel like crying as well in those moments.
    I get the point of over stressing yourself by the things you want to achieve even though the goals might be too big, because that is how today’s society works (at least that is how I view it).
    All the best for you in self-acceptance and self-improvement. I know it will be a long and sometimes bumpy road, but you can do it! 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yeah you are absolutely right, society has quite some pressure to fit to their expectations (whatever that might be), and that usually involves a lot of pressure into achieving a lot.
      Thanks! My bumpy road might be long but I hope I’ll get to the ending πŸ™‚

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